5 - Phoning It In

Dismissing Richie’s peculiar reaction to Petey, Jon focused instead on his own interest in the Insolent Imp.

As soon as his buddy headed off to his fashion commitments Monday morning, Jon hopped in the back seat of his hired car and pulled out his phone to call Tony – for the sole purpose of fulling his promise about Petey’s job recommendation, of course.

Might as well get something productive done on the way to the lawyer’s office.

“Tony,” he greeted in his friendliest voice.  “How are you on this beautiful Monday morning?” 

It was a beautiful fall morning in the city, even though the sun’s natural light was blocked by the local architecture as the car crept through SoHo and into the Holland Tunnel.  Jon hated New York lawyers.  He preferred to deal with Jersey’s native sons whenever possible.

“What do you want?” was his brother’s suspicious reply.  Obviously Jon’s cheerful demeanor had sent up a red flag.  He supposed it was a logical enough assumption since most of his impromptu calls to Tony were related to some job he wanted done, but that didn’t mean he had to cop to it.

“Jesus, I can’t just call my little brother for a chat on Monday morning?” 

“No.  I pissed you off yesterday by not jumping high enough when you called, now you’re about to make my life hell in some way.”

Jon felt a twinge of remorse at Tony’s words.  He really should’ve been nicer to his brothers growing up.  Tony sure didn’t think a lot of him sometimes.

“Actually I called to thank you.  Petey had the TV working in no time and, as a bonus, fixed everything so that I know how to operate the universal remote.   You could’ve clued me in that Petey wasn’t a guy though,” he tacked on peevishly. 

Tony laughed.  “Are you kidding me?  I spent the rest of the day smiling like a fool while imagining the look on your face when you opened the door.  It had to have been priceless!”

“Yeah, well it would’ve made things a helluva lot easier had I known.  I didn’t exactly get off on the right foot with her.”

“Big surprise there, you judgmental ass.  Did you even bother to talk to her before ragging on the way she looks?”

Jon bristled, wishing he could deny the accusation.  “Fuck you.  Have you picked your crew for the tour yet?”

“Yyyeahhh….?”

Had his brother always been this suspicious of everything he said?  Jon was going to have to pay closer attention in the future.

“And is she on the crew?”

“She is…”

“Good.  I was gonna offer my endorsement if you were still trying to decide.  She’s good at what she does, even if she’s a little… uncommon.”

“You talking about the Declaration of Independence thing?” Tony chuckled.  “Weirded me out the first time I heard her, but with the work she does, I don’t care if she quotes Dr. Seuss, the Bible or Hustler Magazine.  She’s about the best I’ve ever run across.”

“So what’s her story?”

He blew out a frustrated breath.  “I just went through all this with Richie a half-hour ago.  Can’t you guys talk amongst yourselves so I can get to my day job too?”

Jon frowned in annoyance.  Maybe he should’ve paid closer attention last night.  Was what Richie said less important than what he didn’t say?  Was he gonna make a play for this chick?  That was just the kind of woman he needed to be seen in the tabloid rags with.  Not.   

“Yeah, well humor me, since I’ll be indirectly providing her paycheck.  This tour is gonna be a yearlong whirlwind, and I’d like an idea as to who will be along for the ride before I make a long-term commitment.

“I will refrain from pointing out that you’ve never given a shit about any of my crew before,” his brother said dryly.  “As long as they get the job done, you nod politely and go on about your business.  You think because she dresses in black she’s gonna rob you blind?”

He was tired of being subtle.  Jon wanted specific information and it was time to resort to bluntly demanding it.  “Where did she come from Tony?  What kind of qualifications and references does she have?”

“It’s your turn to humor me, Big Brother,” Tony returned with the same brusque anger.  “Why do you care?    Petey works for me and her qualifications are really none of your damn business.  I will tell you she’s not some petty thief or out to spill the inner workings of your precious organization.”

“I didn’t think she was!  Talk about judgmental!”  Jon huffed loudly, staring blindly out the window and counting to ten in an effort to calm down.  It wouldn’t do him any good to jump feet first into the angry name calling he and his brothers automatically reverted to when they disagreed.  It typically blew over as fast as it blew up, but the way they acted, you’d think they were all still teenagers instead of grown men. 

“Listen,” he tried again, vainly searching for a way to explain something that was still beyond him.  “I’m not questioning her abilities or her ethics, but a woman her age that has chosen to look the way she does and has such unusual personality quirks…  Well, it raises a lot of questions in my mind.  I was just hoping you had some of the answers.”

“So you’re just curious about her as a person,” Tony asked, his anger having dwindled to confusion.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I dunno if I have anything that will answer your ‘questions’, but I’ll tell you the little bit I know.”

Jon’s car had arrived at its destination.  In response to the driver’s inquiring look, he held up a single finger, silently asking him to wait.

“She doesn’t come with any formal qualifications or endorsements that I’m aware of.  Petey just turned up about a month ago asking for a job.  Said she wanted to the experience a rock tour would give her, and that her research said Bon Jovi was the best employer in the business.  Since you’d just come out with a new album, she gave an educated guess that we’d be gearing up for a tour.”

“And you hired her because she walked in off the street and asked for a job.”  His brother was on the impulsive side, but that was crazy even for him.

“No, dumbass.  I had a pile of equipment and wiring that needed assembled, so I pointed her to it with instructions to make it work.”

“I assume she did?”

“You could say that.  It typically takes two guys about half an hour to evaluate what they have and piece it all together for the first time.  She did it by herself in under twenty minutes.  I’ve never seen, or heard, anything like it.  I dunno how she can comprehend up from down while quoting all that historical shit, but if anything it seems to make her hands move faster.”

Jon was silent for a moment, trying – as he had since she’d set foot on his doorstep – to make sense of P.T. Diehl.  Which reminded him…

“You had to have seen a Social Security card or something when you hired her, right?  Something with her full name on it?  P.T. has to stand for something.”

“Couldn’t prove it by me.  All of her government ID was legit, but every piece, from driver’s license to Social Security card, didn’t say anything but P.T.  When I asked about it she very politely informed me that if Uncle Sam was willing to accept it as her identity, who was I to question it?”

Well, damn if that wasn’t peculiar.  Didn’t the law require you to have some kind of real name instead of initials? 

“And that’s it?  That’s all you know?”

“That’s it, other than she keeps to herself and does whatever I ask her to without complaining.”

Again, all Jon had managed to do was climb deeper into the cloud of mystery.  He still didn’t have a bit more insight into Petey than he had twenty-four hours ago.

“Gimme her phone number, would ya?”

Tony groaned.  “Jon, you know I can’t do that.  Giving out personal shit on my employees isn’t gonna happen.”

“Even if I want to sub-contract her for another job?”

“Especially if you want to sub-contract her for another job!  Don’t be luring away my best help with your cushy, fluff gig just because you’re nosy.”

Jon laughed.  “Seriously…  She did such a good job of idiot proofing the living room, I’d like to see what she can do in the bedroom.”

The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to bite them back.

Dammit, I didn’t mean to say that!

“Jon.”  Tony’s voice was stern.  “Don’t screw around with her.  She may not be the traditional picture of kitten and butterfly happiness, but Petey seems like a really nice woman.  She doesn’t deserve being dicked over.”

He blinked blindly at the people coming and going from the office building before him, everyone valiantly launching into the work week ahead, while Jon took a rare moment to analyze his actions.

Why was this so important to him?  What did he hope to get out of it?  Had it been merely a Technicolor moment in a dull, gray weekend that made it seem so… tempting?  When he got immersed in his daily routine would it cease to matter? 

Unfortunately, he didn’t have a friggin’ clue.  All he knew was that right here, right now, he was obsessed with her.

Glancing back at the building again, Jon realized should be in there by now, making some lawyer’s life miserable, not sitting here trying to psychoanalyze himself. 

“Tony, I just want to ask her to look at wiring in the bedroom and maybe get to know her a little.  That’s it.”

That was as honest as he knew how to be, but it still didn’t sway his brother’s stance on giving up Petey’s number.  Tony merely said he’d pass along the request and Petey could decide.

With a sigh of resignation, Jon bid his brother goodbye, feeling strangely subdued as he weighed the pros and cons of hiring a private investigator to dig up some answers.  It would definitely be the quickest means to an end but, ultimately, it seemed to be an awfully extreme tactic to satisfy his curiosity.

No, he would get much more pleasure procuring his answers directly from the source.